Birds Ruined My Life
Once upon a time, I was just like you. Young. Hopeful. Full of life and aspirations for a happily ever after.
But the birds had other plans.
They started out charmingly enough, little gentlemen in tuxedos. When they first showed up in my town, they would simply waddle around on the sidewalk and watch people go about their daily business. But soon, their behavior became increasingly aggressive.
They would traumatize children by flocking around them and nibbling on their tender little arm hairs. Tripping senior citizens. Worse yet, threatening to take all pizza delivery drivers hostage if we didn't cave into their demands, effectively depriving the whole town of the almighty 'za.
Enough was enough.
We did everything we could to get rid of the menaces.
Everything.
But nothing helped.
Not the scarecrows. Not the bird scientists. Not the tearful pleas for mercy. The birds seemed entirely unbothered by any of our efforts and continued to terrorize the town day after day.
As time went on, the birds' malevolence seemed to grow. They seemed to take pleasure in causing chaos and destruction wherever they went. We all got fearful and began to avoid going outside altogether. I locked my doors and windows and prayed the birds wouldn't find a way in. But it was no use. The birds were too clever and determined to be stopped.
I haven't seen sunshine in 67 days. I hear their talons outside on the sidewalk, scratch, scratch, scratch, as they do their constant patrol in front of my house. Behind my house. On top of my house.
All autonomy is gone.
Only penguin regime remains.
Let my story be a cautionary tale. It's too late for me. But if you ever see a little bird man in a suit and he looks oh-so-charming -- don't fall for it. Run him off. He will bring you nothing but pain.
Last updated April 1st, 2009.
If you don't hear from me in more than a week... I fear that means they've won.